I hear it’s supposed to soar to 113 degrees today. My house does not have air conditioning so I’ve discovered all sorts of tricks for staying cool. I wash my clothes in cold water and wear them wet. I put ice cubes down my underwear. Last night I took a walk in wet clothes and came home dry. Of course cold showers or a tub of cold water helps. Or I go outside near some thirsty trees and make rain by pointing the hose towards the sky and get nice and soaked.
A bigger challenge is keeping Rosie and Tillie (“Ojai’s SpokesPigs“) from having a heat stroke. Tillie broke her kiddie pool, so yesterday, in the boiling hot mid afternoon, I stepped out into the 107 degrees inferno and headed for the Y in search of a new pool. I went into True Value Hardware. Their pools were too big but while I was there I decided I could use another fan. Like a child in a toy store, I spent 15 minutes examining the display models and studying the inviting pictures on the box.

Several times I asked the salesman what was the difference between this one and that. I decided to get the space-saving model called a Tower Fan. One was $29.99, the other, identical in size, was $39.99. Again I inquired, “What is the difference?” The more expensive model came with a Remote Control. I didn’t care about the remote but the more expensive model was white and the cheaper one only came in black. I got the white one so no Black Widows could hide in the crevices.
Like a child with a new toy I was eager to run home and try it out, already imagining the miraculous way this newfangled fan would cool off my office. I almost forgot why I came in the first place. I dashed into Ben Franklin where they had the right size pool for only $10.99 so I picked up two.
I drove home and rushed into the backyard to fill up the kiddie pool so Rosie and Tillie could cool off. I saw a large bird sitting on the edge of their water bowl. It was a hawk. I stood still and watched it drink. The thirsty hawk reminded me to fill up both kiddie pools, one far away from the house for the birds, raccoons, possums, skunks and coyotes. I also noticed a squirrel that looked thirsty. He was too small to drink from the pool so I hung a hose high in the tree and let it drip.
After all this I was dying to plug in my new Tower Fan. I wanted to feel the promised “spring breeze.” I wanted to turn on the breeze mode to “simulate a gentle outdoor wind .” I wanted to feel all the degrees of cooling speeds. I was eager and excited to finally get to open the four foot long box. I sat on the floor in Seated Wide Angle Pose and carefully dislodged the pieces of styrofoam. The Tower itself was inside a plastic bag. As I pulled it out I saw that some parts of the Tower Fan were individually wrapped. In my innocence I unwrapped everything. It was the hottest part of the day and I could feel the fiery heat penetrating every wall and window. I could hardly wait another second to plug that thing in.
I read the instructions and tried to figure out which way to loop the electrical cord through. I still labored under the illusion that any minute now I could plug in the Tower Fan and cool off. After five minutes I triumphantly succeeded in securing the two halves of the plastic bottom without undue force or breaking it. Then I carefully laid out the rest of the pieces thinking I could match each part, like a puzzle, and surely a genius like me could put this Tower Fan thing together.
By now the heat was unrelenting. I found myself beginning to smolder. The Tower Fan just would not stand up straight. And then, there amidst the packaging, I spotted a very small plastic bag of screws and other parts that I had somehow overlooked.
“What’s this?” I thought, “No one told me this would require assembly.” I checked the box on all sides. Nowhere did it say, “Assembly Required.” Nor did it say “Batteries not included.” Without 2 AAA batteries the remote would not work. Still, I figured I could operate it manually so I was not ready to throw in the towel just yet. I read the 17 Safety Instructions so as not to get electrocuted, especially while wearing wet clothes. I reread the Assembly Instructions more carefully: Tools Required: Phillips head-screw driver. Assembly Time 10-15 minutes.
“10-15 minutes!” The child in me got mad. I threw a fit. I called a friend but he did not want to come over in the heat. I began to curse. I felt like driving back to True Value and tossing the Tower through the window. I felt duped into buying a fan that required some man to help me put it together.
I stuffed everything back into the plastic bags and the box. Except for the Fully Assembled base. It no longer fit in the box. I almost broke it trying to split it back into two halves.
By the time I got back to True Value I was a model customer. I politely explained to the teenage clerk that no one told me that the Tower Fan required Assembly and that I wanted a different one that did not require assembly. He said I first had to get in line to return it. As I got in line one of the old-time clerks, who knows how to handle people like me, asked what was the problem. He promptly offered to assemble it. I was so grateful I said if he would assemble the Tower Fan I’d buy a desk fan too–so long as he assembled it.
While waiting for the fans to be assembled, I did some other errands at Ojai’s great Y shopping center. When I went to my car to drop off my purchases a young woman approached me.
“Could you do me a favor?” she asked.
“It depends on what it is,” I replied.
“Could you stand by my car and watch my baby while I run in to get some keys? I’ll be back in a minute.”
I was kind of taken aback but I looked into the tinted window of her car and sure enough, there in the back seat was a sweet baby girl sleeping in her car seat. I perfectly understood the mother’s predicament .
“Oh sure, I’ll be happy too, ” I said. But I was worried that all the car windows were closed. “Is she OK in the hot car…” Even as I spoke I realized the car’s air conditioning system was on. I could feel volcanic air blasting all around the outside of the car with the baby safe and cool inside, at least for a few minutes.
While waiting for the mother to return, I looked toward the mountains and saw the perfect white clouds in the perfect still blue sky. There I was, standing in the hot parking lot in the full sun in the hottest part of the day. I couldn’t leave the baby so I surrendered to the heat. It was a perfect moment. I was forced not to resist, to stop rushing to get away from the heat and stand still. I rooted my feet to the earth and stretched upward. Every few breaths I peered into the window at the sleeping baby to make sure she was OK. And then I gazed back off into the distance at the Topa Topas, the vast clear blue sky and the clouds.
When the mother returned a few minutes later, she thanked me profusely.
I went back into True Value and there stood my two new fans all assembled and ready to go. I drove home and plugged them in. They had even put batteries in the remote control. I laid on my bed and played with the remote. The Tower Fan stood firm on the floor twelve feet from my bed. It looked like R2D2 straight out of Star Wars! With the remote, from the comfort of my bed, I could make it oscillate or be still, blow a soft breeze or strong gusts of wind. It did everything except walk.
Later I positioned my old-fashioned standing fan, the new desk fan and Artoo-Detoo in a triangle configuration. The cool cross breezes lifted my spirits. I put on another set of cold wet clothes. I would survive the heat.