Which Barbie are you? (hint: the Ojai Barbie is made out of actual tofu) Check it out after the jump. If you’re feeling politically correct, better save the post for another day…
Camarillo Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Garces High School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
Thousand Oaks Barbie
This princess Barbie is sold only at the Marketplace She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a custom home . Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
Ventura Barbie
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan or Chevy Tahoe and matching gym outfit. She has no full-time occupation. This soccer mom enjoys shopping at Target and eating lunch at Sizzler. Home Builder Ken or Law Enforcement Ken sold separately.
Oxnard Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.
Fillmore Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Casitas Springs Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Ojai Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
Ojai Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. She works at Costco, eats lunch at The Garden Terrace on Saturday’s and goes to Boccali’s for drinks.
Port Hueneme Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and SCAT bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
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This is getting passed around via email (I’ve received it from three people) – there’s no author credit. I’ll update it with proper accreditation if I can.
{ 22 comments }
Pretty darn funny!!!
Hilarious!…and tragic [sigh]. Women as dolls? I guess a real woman can take it in stride but it is insulting to her pride. Ojai’s Barbie appears to be lesbian. I wouldn’t want my Ojai Barbie working at Cosco, unless of course she made six figures as boss. On one level this is disgusting and on another is great satire. What do I know about women anyway? Do I need to say I’m being ironic? Maybe I shouldn’t post this. I don’t want to incur the wrath of women. “Hell hath no fury…” Still, woman is earth’s salvation. Now I’m beginning to feel fury at man-kind for destroying women and children (with dolls? Money? Sex?). Jesus was a woman, you know. The patriarchic writers just turned the story around. Why does my mind always turn to religion and politics? I better stop while I’m ahead, or at least while my head is still above water.
before everyone jumps on Dennis, i just want to thank him for being so consistently open…even about his internal conflicts. i hope we all understand how this is both hilarious and tragic.
and like Tyler said, save it for a time when you just need a good dirty laugh…because, hey, truth is funnier than fiction.
I’m grateful for the laughs this gave me. Yes, the patriarchy has been painful for both men and women and… so many stereo types, thanks to advetising, materialism and cultural conditioning, paint a pretty accurate picture sometimes. How many singles and couples ARE still acting out the archetype of Barbie and Ken perpetuating the puer and puella energies. Oh, there I go getting Jungian again. Must be beacuse I’m re-reading Marion Woodman’s Pregnant Virgin.
Evan,
Reading current (your) and other posts . Might I suggest an enema (barium).
This Barbie thing is all over the country. My nephew in the mid west sent it to me…same Barbies, same descriptions, just different city names.
hey anonymous,
i dont understand what you mean. wanna email me and explain? (i’m not very interested in clogging up this thread as you and i search for clarity).
Why is Willow working at Costco? Shouldn’t she be working at Rainbow Bridge and getting to/fro on a bike?
First of all, How is it possible for Casitas Springs Ken to be chased out of Ojai Barbies house if she is of the homosexual community?? And I’ve never met a lesbian in Ojai.
I think this would be a good time to say that I feel Evan is a credit to his generation. I may not always agree with him 100% and if he’s guitly of anything it may be that wonderful over-eagerness of youth (that hopefully we all experienced at some point in our lives). He comes across to me as intelligent, sincere, and clearly passionate about his beliefs. He writes well – concise and efficient. He puts his “money where his mouth is” so to speak, in his activism by getting out and DOING as well as writing. And most importantly, he is always polite. Keep it up, Evan! I wish everyone your age was this involved and spirited about the future of our world community.
I’ll second LTOR’s comment… its an honor to have evan on The Ojai Post, and an inspiration to see him make a difference in the world. I would imagine being an expectant father will only increase his desire to make the world a better place for his child.
To Anonymous, who’s never met a lesbian in Ojai, well, you must not get out much, or just don’t know what to look for.
wow, i’ve struggled over this for more than a day now…
immediately, of course, i’m thrilled to the point of blushing about the support that i recieve here. LTOR, it’s very important to me that you know that the most valuable part of what you’ve said is that you’ve given clear reasons for your appreciation. THANK YOU…it’s very validating to know that my values are coming across and being accurately communicated and received!
my joy is tempered, however, by the thought that my “youthful over-eagerness” is a phase of life that will fade away, as LTOR suggests it has for most. i am inspired to wonder what would happen if it did not? what if “grown-ups” continued to be idealistic and eager? what would our world be like? i’ll complete my 27th trip around the sun this year, and i STILL pick up a little bit of a “how cute, you’re still an idealist” energy (not from you, LTOR, although you helped me to open it up again).
i dont mean this as a backhanded thank-you, but perhaps there’s a vehicle here for another discussion. i’m genuinely grateful for and humbled by your support and appreciation, and it strengthens my committment to what i view as my responsibility to be a good steward of both what’s been prepared for me by generations before as well as what i can offer for generations to come. you’re perfectly correct, Tyler, that my growing child is an even MORE concrete reason for me to work to make the world a better place. boy, that just brought up a whole host of other topics for me, but i’d better stop.
Touché (and well said) Evan:
I often wonder “what a wonderful world it would be” if we all retained our youthful zeal and enthusiasm all our lives and were able to successfully fight off the urge to become mellow (and yes, even sometimes jaded) as time marches on.
I meant no disrespect whatsoever (truly). I was inspired to comment not because I personally find anything negative about your enthusiasm (quite the contrary), but more to say “Hey, lighten up!” to the authors of the few negative posts recently (i.e. your Baby Austin thread)…is flippant the right word to describe some of them? And specifically to the one crude post above (still not sure what that meant).
While we’re on the subject, I think this is a great topic for discussion as many times in this day and age (and perhaps even more so in this country) you don’t find many venues for people of different generations to interact in a meaningful way when it comes to issues that ultimately affect us all.
So, in defense of getting older and “mellowing out” over the years, I would just like to throw out there that, as one does get older, as more life-experiences pile up and the more we see, hear, learn…sometimes ideas, beliefs, ways of expressing oneself, suggestions for solutions, etc., etc. may change in unexpected ways. Some may evolve or temper or even disappear…some may do a complete 360 [or would that be a 180?]. Some may exasperate you because they become “not as comfortingly clear-cut” as they once were. Sometimes several different beliefs converge and conflict and suddenly compromise is needed where you never thought it was…And I think far too often, this can sometimes appear to a younger generation like the fading away of idealism which I would argue (and hope) it is not. What do you think?
I’m 67 and going on 6 or 7 as far as idealism and realism goes.
What I’m saying is that the older I get in the body, the younger I get in spirit.
The adult world sucks, for the most part. It sucks the life out of the young. The young should be nursed by the old but instead children have to nurse adults.
Rage, rage, rage
Whatever your age
At the evils of this age
The adult world is what you make it, and having fun and playing are a byproduct of having a positive outlook.
I would posit that when you say that the “adult world” sucks the life out of the young, perhaps you are just referring to our treadmill consumerism capitalism at any cost culture.
wow, who knew that a gag about stereotype-peddling Barbies would turn into an in-depth discussion such as this? gotta love community blogging…
LTOR, you are very refreshing to me…and i thank you for continuing to engage me in an intelligent and respectful way!
as far as an update on both of the outstanding cryptic messages directed at me recently (one on the Baby Austin thread, and one here), i’ve received no clarity on either one…nobody’s bothered to contact me per my invitation to sort it out.
you mention the rarity of forums for intergenerational dialogue, and i agree with you. this prompts me to send some lovin’ once again Tyler’s way for providing us this wonderful tool for doing so.
LTOR, your last paragraph perfectly captures part of what i held back from going into earlier: that it’s hard for me to be extremely certain about my current state of energy/idealism/activism precisely because i’m in the midst of it right now. i’m sure that every other person who has since “moved on” in one way or another found that youthful state to be blissfully eternal until they grew and stretched beyond it. i think you characterize it well from the perspective of younger generations as far as looking like a fading away…and i’m encouraged to know that it isnt necessarily as it seems. when it IS, however, i hope that those both young and seasoned can participate in an energy exchange that rekindles the idealist in some and tempers the idealist in others.
i’m joyful that there are plenty of adult persons in this valley (and certainly the Ojai Post is one place where they seem to gather) who follow Tyler’s philosophy that “The adult world is what you make it, and having fun and playing are a byproduct of having a positive outlook.”
i think having kids is going to bring about some of those life-changing, clear-cut-issue-blurring situations that LTOR alludes to…but i welcome the challenge. finally in my life i feel strong and convicted enough to face those kinds of things head-on and be confident in my ability to be cautious, wise, AND idealistic about them.
i mentioned that i’d thought of some other issues…
first is that i want to put the war movement on notice that it has about six months to cease and desist. i loathe the idea of my first child born during wartime, which is the antithesis of everything i work for.
BUT…i have to responsibly wonder if i would be who i am without 9/11 and the ensuing wars and atrocities. i almost hate to think that that’s what it took, and i almost hate to think that i have social perversions to “thank” for my development, but if i’m to be real i think i have to grit my teeth and embrace those uncomfortable origins. my challenge? to end war, then teach my children to be passionate even during peacetime.
The best mind is an open one and to be able to both realize and embrace that concept at a young age is truly a gift. Add to that your kind heart, Evan, and I’ve no doubt you’ll end up a wonderful “grown-up”.
Keep on doing what you do…and best of luck to you as you approach the challenges of young fatherhood. I think you would be the perfect person to do a thread on the difficulty of raising a small child AND being vigilant and faithful to your ideals. The environmental debate over “cloth vs. plastic”, diapers, for example, is just one example of what new (or would-be) young mothers and fathers would be interested in from your point of view. Or how might your thoughts on censorship change when you become the guardian of a young mind….There are so many more examples where, as time progress and the baby grows, you will begin to encounter enormous challenges as well as “those life-changing, clear-cut-issue-blurring situations” and you’re personal insights could be very inspiring to many. Keep us “posted”…
Hey every body, here’s some good news:Giant Barbie dolls for sale, starting at $6500.
I like big booty Judy Michael Didj! Thanks for providing some relief on this thread.
Sorry, I guess we did get carried away (especially considering the comic content of the original post).
all good – you don’t get 20 comments when everyone just says “ha! funny. ROTFLOL!”
LTOR, your clarity delights me!
i’ll take your suggestions and encouragement to heart, and may call on you again for advice! you can email me anytime!
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